Unapologetic

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I’ve been feeling wonderful today. A lot of people made me feel good about myself recently, and I actually feel good. Sometimes, I think if I’m a parasite, feeding on people’s happiness for my own happiness. No genuinely, their smiles make my soul happy!

But, first things first. I’m finally off on my new journey of pursuing writing. I’ve always said love is my passion, which is true. But it is also true that I love writing. I realised that being a writer is one of my biggest dreams, and now that I’m trying to achieve it, I feel satisfaction slowly creeping into my soul. It’s not even about the progress that I’m making, but the process of writing itself that is giving me so much satisfaction. You know the feeling when you’re finally doing something that you love? Yes, that.

So, let me give you some links to my pages on different handles.

Insta: @srishtikawrites

Facebook: Srishtika Writes

WordPress: srishtikawrites

It feels great to stimulate your creativity, trust me. But also, I realised that this project is consuming me so much that I’ve forgotten everything else. I mean, I’m writing this journal entry after so long. But also, it’s not like I’m busy with it all the time. The process of coming up with ideas itself takes some external or internal stimulation. I would really love it if whoever’s reading this could give me feedbacks on my writing and suggestions for what kind of writing you would like to see more frequently. It would really help me if I know my audience. I mean, it’s not just the writer who imagines. Art needs the imagination of the audience as well to get the desired effect or impact of what’s being created.

So let me know your opinion, hit me up if you’d like, I’m all ears! I’m really excited and I would love it if I can share my thrill and excitement with others in any way possible.

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Unapologetic

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It’s been a while since I recollected my own thoughts. Things are bad. Real bad. I haven’t been able to wrap my head around all the thoughts that keep nagging me, but I know I need to. I want to let go, all of it. But how do you let go without dealing with it first? It seems unfair to me. My head is bundled with so many thoughts, I need to catalogue them and decide what to keep and what to throw away. Everything is a mess within. Have you ever had this phase where you’re so confused or rather kept up by thoughts infinite, that you don’t really know what’s happening?

I wish someone would guide me through this mess. I know I need to deal with this on my own, but sometimes, sometimes I wish I could trust someone enough to guide me. I wish I had someone to catch me when I free fall. But that’s not how it works ever. And I know it too well. I feel so weighed down, I can’t get up. I want to run and hide somewhere. Everything seems to be working on the surface, it’s all clean. But inside, inside is what I’m so scared of, inside is what’s been unmanageable. I need to see a light. I’m dying to see a light that would give me the strength to pull myself out of this mess.

I need love.

Unapologetic

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Yesterday was a big day for me. I made some life decisions. Thanks to my friends, I feel confident doing this. I’ve decided to start my journey as a writer. I know I have my weaknesses, which I need to turn into strengths. And I’m hoping that I will be able to learn and grow.

To be honest, I’m a person who likes to play safe. But also, I’m a person who loves adventures and challenges. This is so far the biggest challenge that I’ve given myself, to make an impact with my writing. Will I succeed or will I not, I don’t know. But I will try and I will keep trying.

There’s a certain beauty that I see in unpredictability. There is a rush of adrenaline in exploring something beyond limits. Limits that you set for yourself. I love breaking those limits step by step. If not my skills, then maybe I can bank on my passion forever. Writing is passion for me. And even if I have nothing but writing, I will be in a happy place.

I’m so excited right now that I can’t sleep. I already know it that this decision will keep me up all the time because I love it so much and I don’t want to waste any time sleeping anymore.

It will be a fresh start from day one of 2018.

Unapologetic

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Nostalgia hit me today, like a sweet and sour orange. I was reminded of a night that I never thought would be a significant memory in my life, but surprisingly it is.

I’ve always tried to be in touch with all the people that I’ve loved in my life, romantically and otherwise. I had randomly texted this guy last night at three in the morning. Of course he would be asleep then, so I wasn’t expecting a reply and neither did I get one until I woke up next morning and checked my phone. There was a message from him, I quote,

“before anything else, geminids tomorrow night… hopefully you might be able to see some meteor showers… go nuts… make crazy wishes come true”

Clearly, it excited me very much. Who wouldn’t want to watch a meteor shower? I was excited about stargazing, about the night, about the lights that would zoom past the sky like tails making me wish for more. I also told a couple of my friends about it because I couldn’t contain my excitement! It seemed to give me pleasure that people who I know would be watching the meteor shower with me and even though we were at different places, it would somehow connect us. The Sky.

The night came. My parents of course had objections to me going up to the terrace at midnight and stargazing in this cold weather. You know like, “pffft, are you nuts? Who stargazes in the cold? What’s so special about a meteor shower?” yadayadayada. All of which I ignored and I lay down on my terrace and looked up at the sky.

The sky welcomed me with a bright shooting star which went right past Orion. I was amazed. I was cozy in my blanket, under the stars, waiting for the next meteor to pass. That’s when nostalgia actually hit me.

I imagined the first time ever I went stargazing for a meteor shower (oh btw, this one was only my second). I remembered why I went to watch it. The sky suddenly transported me a year back. I was lying in the middle of the football field with this guy, the guy who messaged me. The guy who introduced me to such a beauty called meteor showers. I was in love with him back then. We had together gone to the football field that night and together gazed at the sky. I could feel the love that I had felt for him then, I could feel it so clearly, the feelings that I had had that night. I had been more aware of his presence beside me than the stars in the sky. I never really realised it that I had registered so much of that night in my memory that it would come back to me like this.

But yes, it did. And this nostalgia was my pleasure. A pleasure to feel something, even though just a memory. Recently, time has taught me to not take the ability to feel for granted. When you forget how to feel, your time passes in remembrance and not reality, not living, not feeling. You try to satisfy yourself with illusions, with forced emotions that you induce and hunger for.

But tonight, after a very long time, I felt my heart flicker, like it was awakened by the memory. I felt it. And I was happy to feel that memory of a guy who introduced me to meteor showers. I had had doubts in my head after we parted ways. But, tonight made me sure that my love for him was genuine.

P.S. Interested people might also be able to see the geminids tomorrow night too hopefully. Happy gazing! 🙂

Unapologetic

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The last time I had promised that I would write about my solo trip soon. Well, I guess some promises take time in being fulfilled, like this one. I still haven’t really thought of how to share my travel experience. I would like to do something creative with it, like maybe give you guys a visual experience, as much as possible. Wouldn’t that be great? So please please please give me some more time! I’m caught up in work at the moment, and I’m home. Honestly, I’m way more busy at home than I am at work.

But there’s something I’d like to talk about. Since the past few months, I’ve been feeling different. There are a lot of explanations, or rather, reasons that I can come up with for my behaviour or feelings. But they will just be there to convince me. However, I know that they are mere reasons that I’m coming up with in order to convince myself of things. The truth is, I really don’t know what’s going on. I have no clue of the thoughts that are running in my head. Whenever I try to sit down and think of how I feel, I feel blank, empty. Not completely empty, but like, there’s a lot of a mess, but I cannot get it straight. I cannot pin point any single thought in my head. It’s a continuous buzz.

Is this what you call going with the flow? Coz I think what I’m doing is more than going with the flow. I’m being careless and reckless too at the same time. So far, I’ve just been lucky in life. Like truly lucky. I don’t know when my luck is to run out and I’ll find myself in an unwanted place maybe. But anyway, this feeling is different.

I hope I can resolve this, soon. I hope I can find my way again. I hope I can feel again. I would like to.

Unapologetic

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It’s been quite some time since I wrote anything. And surprisingly, it’s not because I’m down in the dumps. It’s because I’ve been living my life. For the first time, I truly feel. Alive.

Travelling solo is courageous. I will accept it. I will not say that it’s nothing. I need to learn to acknowledge that I can be courageous, and that I can do courageous things. I maybe sometimes act otherwise, mostly stupid and rash, but I do have my good side that is braveheart and unafraid and unapologetic.

I’m in Goa right now. Chilling. I will probably share my experience of travelling solo once I get back, but you’ll have to wait for another post for that, probably until next week. I don’t even know if people out there read this. But still, I like writing, and I’m liking to share my personal experiences with people. I am an open book. You might probably not know how to read between my lines, but I’m right here, ready to share my life. You just need to be bold enough to read me to the last page and more importantly, cherish what you find – good or bad.

Through this journey I’m realising that I have still versions of me that I don’t know about yet. I still have limits that I need to extend, to cross and venture into new territories. I still have a lot to learn, a lot to experience and maybe, just maybe, it’s because for the first time I’m truly living with myself that I realise how many reasons I have within me to live for.

This experience is truly amazing.

Experiences. That’s what I’d like to cherish in my life.

Unapologetic

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So, this whole time I’ve been lying to myself.

I’m not head over heels for a boy. A boy who is nice, a decent person. I thought I had feelings for him, but I guess some of us have never been treated right by a person romantically. So when I came across a nice, decent guy, I mistook my surprise and fascination as liking maybe.

In all honesty, I have no clue about him or what goes on in his head. Then how do I even really like him? It’s just a feeling, a vibe that matched, nothing more. I realised that I crave for love so bad that I live in an imaginary world once I start liking someone and create love in my own head when, in reality, there is none. I need to be careful. I need to know what is real and what is my own imaginary creation. I also realised that I have the capability to love just anyone once I decide to. I find that amazing but also different in a weird way. I don’t know if that capability is a good thing.

All these realisations happened in a span of a moment and something changed within me, at the core of my heart. I don’t know where I’m going now. I have no direction, but just some lessons to keep me going. I hope wherever I end up is a happy place for real, or else I’ll do what I do best. Imagine.

Unapologetic

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Can life ever be in your control? Certain things can and certain things can not. But do you feel that things that are not in your control affect you in taking control of other things that might be? Maybe. They certainly do affect my mood, my capacity to work, to be productive. But how do you get rid of that feeling of being hopeless? Of not being able to control things and go with the flow? Is there really a flow?

Well, the whole point of decision making is that you believe that it will lead to something that you predict. So is that what we call as control? So, if I’m unable to make a decision, is it giving up? Leaving it to fate? But what if I was able to make a decision and that would change my fate? I really can’t decide.

I guess my state of confusion is really apparent in this rant. I need to take control of my life. Actually, I need to get a life. I need to stop running behind things, people, whatever. I need to just be. For me. And no one else. It’s hard. To get to that level of self-care and detachment, you really need to stop doing certain things and break the pattern that keeps leading you to the same rut hole again and again.

I’m struggling. I’m being stupid for not learning from my past mistakes. But I’m trying. Does that count?

Unapologetic

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So. I want change.

I’m a bit tired of staying in one place. There’s nothing new here to explore anymore. I would love to meet new people. That would at least give me some sense of change. But no, what I really want is to go to a new place, feel the strange land, the stranger surroundings and just feel that strangeness.

I think I’ve become tired of familiarity.

I constantly feel too much of my own skin. I want to change my skin and feel something new. Am I the only one who finds comfort in unfamiliar things? In strangers? It’s strange, I admit.

Usually people call a place home where they feel comfortable with their own skin. But what if you feel comfortable only in different skins, all the time? What do I have to call home? I really don’t know. Periodically, I’ll get tired of the place that I call home and I would want my home to rather be portable. That would be something which would make me comfortable, feeding my soul, if not my stomach. I wouldn’t mind dying if I starved due to lack of food. But I don’t want to die until I’ve truly fed my soul with love. All the love that I can give, needs to be given. And for that I need to go places. Find hearts.

Love is my only passion. When that dissipates, I will happily disintegrate.

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