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amare litterarius

Love letters, live letters, letters letters.

Low and Lower

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shimmering blades

cut my skin

deep deep red

to the bones

 

I imagine myself

taking hold of you

doing away

with my tender skin

around my wrist

gashing lines

decorating

 

finally

I feel.

 

 

Going Under

lost

 

Nothing. I feel nothing.
Is this how it feels when you’re struggling? Trying to survive from yourself?

Sea blue green
Salts shore away
O Tiffany O Tiffany

I don’t even know what I’m doing.
Listening to Chandelier isn’t really helping. I need an escape from myself.

Hurly burly wanderings.
In the graveyard lie the dead,
I’m not home yet.

I thought writing something would bring some sense of meaning. But all I see right now is utter confusion, thoughts going haywire. One thing that I could do right feels lost now.

Yes, you’re going under.
Save yourself from yourself.
Live.

Leisuretime Reflections V

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Dry days these go by in
Uneventful existence
Does our wishful thinking
Make any difference?
Our waking by the night
Or sleeping by the day
Move the sun or moon astray?
Neither does our work
Nor our play affect
Nature’s passing time.
Then why are we to be?
Why are we to live
This life like this,
This life like this.

Leisuretime Reflections IV

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What do you see in me?
Smiles that spread like wildfire
Or eyes like deep-set black holes

What do you see in me?
A worthy keeper of secrets
Or a gossip babbling whore

What do you see in me?
The fresh morning breeze
Or the vision impairing sun

What do you see in me?
That I’m a part of you and you of me
Despite the differences in our person

Cathartic Confessions

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To,
The lover I walked away from

I will never be able to explain to you, the feelings I have to walk away from every minute these days. I will never get the chance to explain to you why I did what I did, and even if someday I do, I don’t expect, or rather, believe that you’ll understand. So I’d rather spend some time explaining to myself and convincing myself that what I did was for my own good and that it will help me live unhurt.
Often when we meet people, it is very few whom we connect to. You were one of the few. Circumstances may arise that we disagree, we fight, but I will always respect you. But this giving of respect is not without expectations. Nothing in this world is without expectations. We all carry a bank of favours. You might not have the same view as me or the same preferences as me, but if you are in my life, know that whatever you do has an effect on me. I may or may not choose to express it. The effect may be positive or negative depending on your actions.
You simultaneously had positive and negative effects in me. You arose feelings in me that had been dormant for years. You gave me the spark that had been lacking in me and hindering the lively person that I could be. But somewhere down the road, I lost complete control of myself because I thought I had found myself in you. The definition of me became you and there was a total loss of identity that I faced. I never realised it while it was happening. But once in a while when I do think about it, when I’m not avoiding my feelings or repressing them deep in my unconscious, I now know where I went wrong, exactly what was I taking away from you, how I failed to empathise.
Well, you were no better. We were just two human beings struggling in our own struggles. Now I realise, that I was wrong in thinking of you as a friend. A friend would have not left me in the dumps at my weakest moment. This was my mistake in judgement, a grave one. Another mistake was to think of you as a person providing me with support. I started living in an illusion of your persona. In my head, I identified with you to the extent that I gave up on my independence. Circumstances did not help either. I met you at a time when I was up for adventure. And you became my adventure, and I started loving that adventure. You became a person, who was fulfilling so many of my desires at the same time that I never wanted to let go. You never really saw through me though, or else you would have understood what I was feeling. Or maybe I haven’t considered that you couldn’t relate to me on this level because maybe you haven’t undergone such an incidental identification with anyone. But now I realise that you never really understood what I was feeling or else, as a friend, you would have warned me of the disaster that it would lead to. You could have warned me earlier about what was going in your mind. There are a lot of things that you could have done but didn’t.
Maybe you never realised how important you became in my life at that point. It was a mistake, I admit, to make you the centre of my world. I guess, it so happened that coincidentally I made a series of wrong judgements and a chain of wrong choices with you alone. And of course, it would be hard for anyone to keep up with a person like me (at that point in time) who goes on making bad decisions.
But, when I walked away from you, I’d like to think I made a good decision. And you yourself made it easy for me. I am a changed person, people change in a moment. I have my priorities straight about the kind of lover I want in life. And maybe yes I’m limiting my options by building up preferences in such matters, but I choose to do it. There are some things that I cannot bear and I know it. And by telling me your preferences, I was able to decide for myself, for what would hurt me less. Repressing my feelings for you is a better wound than feeling hurt by your actions, whether intentional or unintentional. Because the greater the importance of a person in your life, the more you care about their actions. And I figured that I am not important enough for you to care about my feelings. And so, I chose to walk away. For the first time in my life, I chose to listen to my head and not my heart. And even though it hurts, it is a lesser pain than what you are capable of giving me.

Love,
The one who walked away.

The Wait

“because I cannot wait to get back to campus”

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Showers of memories

Falling like swords

Cutting through glasses

Shattering the peace

 

From home to home

Her thoughts move

From one to another

Her joy moves

 

These joys piercing

The present abode

For greater happiness

Destination calls

 

Her impatience showing

Fidgety hands and legs

Her cries of time show

Heart slowly crumbling

 

Dreams of heaven

They do seem to her

She’d had them now

Thirteen in a row

 

To the path she runs

Tracks to the journey

She waits there hoping

For the ride to come

 

And take her there

Where her heart shines

Wind blows her hair

And renders her alive

appreciate who you’ve grown into

“take a moment to be grateful to life and appreciate who you’ve grown into”

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It’s been 20 years

10 months

and 19 days

 

that i am writing this

 

in all the growing up

that has happened

from day 1 to now

i have survived

 

i have been protected

i have been loved

and i have been cared for

in ways undefined

 

i have been scarred

i have been wounded

i have been left behind

and still i survived

 

from crawling on fours

to my first step

to walking by walls

and running ahead

 

from merry-go-round

in junior school to

ringing the bell in

senior school

 

standing at stalls

in school carnivals

to passing out

into college

 

to finding classes

in first year

and struggle-writing

through second and third

 

here i am now

 

i never really found

the time for these thoughts

of my growing up

of living and surviving

 

it does take heart

and spirit and soul

to sit and relive

all moments

 

moments that made me cry

out of happiness and misery

pain given to and taken from

feelings unattended and healed

 

and just

 

appreciate

who i’ve

grown into

An Ode to Carnival of Rust

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Blank brains burning oil
Trying to tell tales bright
Fanning flames ferry-wide

A stranger in this carnival

Looking loud, listening rust
Windows wearing havoc
Call out warning signals

A stranger in this carnival

Dead undead, walking by
Is it you or me who breathes
In this crescent smiling sky?

A stranger in this carnival

Stars shine along that way
Telling me to walk away
From this carnival of rust

Unsolicited Chains

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All the voices behind my head
Reminding me of boundaries
Disgust me now for clipping
My wings into constancy

Call me goddess and then
Turn her into custody cause
It’s the sausages that are free

Disaster indeed caused by your
Attitude towards wrong shaming
Respect the goddess divine
Before she walks away cursing

And then you will cry, cry
For your unspoken justice and
Regret her unsolicited chains

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